lofty writing

Kasey just tagged me in an encouraging post on Instagram about writing–lofty writing, at that.

I wouldn’t say I’m a talented writer. I wouldn’t say I’m a great teacher. I wouldn’t say I’m a fantastic friend. I wouldn’t say much of anything that would make me self-confident.

Why is that? I love writing. I really do. If only the few people who read this blog knew the amount of documents and files I have on my computer…full of stories, posts, books even that I would dream of one day publishing. You’d be astonished, honestly, to see how many things I keep hidden. Things I don’t share. Things I don’t put out there to see if they’re marked “good enough”.

Because I’m scared.

What if it isn’t considered “good”? What if it’s marked rejected? What then? Do I give up something I love because some person in the world considers it bad? Do I give up trying to become a better writer, a better teacher, a better friend because I’ve made a mistake? Because I’m scared that putting myself out there is going to come back to hurt me in the end?

Because I’m scared that I’m not good enough.

It really has nothing to do with my writing, with my teaching, or with my friendship skills (is that even a thing?). It has everything to do with how I view myself. I view myself as not good enough. I view myself as too inexperienced, too introverted, too judgmental…the list could go on. I let Satan feed me lies on a daily basis, and that’s the way I view myself.

Do you know the quote by Freud about love and boldness? It’s one of my favorites. (Although, I will admit that until I googled this just mere seconds ago, I thought C.S. Lewis wrote it. #HipsterChristian)

How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved. – Sigmund Freud

I can honestly say the places where I am most confident–most bold–are those where I know that I am most loved. Camp? For sure. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was loved there. I had people all over that place who loved me, so I acted on it. I was bold, for the most part, and confident in who I was as a person. I may not have been confident in my skills or my ability to do my job, but those issues were pushed to the back burner there. I was confident in who I was in Christ, in who I was as a staff member at Cedar Cliff, and in being loved by friends and fellow staff members there.

I could say the same about countless other times. Youth group growing up. High school (eh, for the most part). My friends. My family. But, why now? Why am I so set on feeling so low about myself just because my situation isn’t what I want or expected it to be? 

No, I don’t have tons of friends here in Charlotte. Yes, my job is challenging. My people aren’t surrounding me on a daily basis. I’m constantly wondering if I’m making the right decision, doing the right thing, etc. I’m not at all resting in the promises in Scripture.

God loves me. Point blank. End of story. No ifs, ands, or buts. I could be the worst person in the history of the world, and I would still be loved. In reality, my sins are equal to the sins of the worst person in the history of the world, so why even compare? I’m still loved. I always will be. No questions asked.

No matter if I never publish a book. No matter if I lose friend after friend. No matter if I’m never chosen as Teacher of the Year. I will still be loved. I will still be cherished. I will still be considered beautiful in His eyes. So shouldn’t I walk confidently in that? Why should I act scared all the time?

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us. – 1 John 4:18-19

Now that, that is some lofty writing. Go, friends, and live boldly and confidently in the love of the Father. You’ll be surprised at what He does when You do.

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