I have written on this blog exactly two times this year. Two times. At the record I’m going, I’ll be good to write once a month. Hey, that’s probably a realistic expectation based on this year so far.
Anyway, the past two months have literally flown by, and they have been incredibly full. I could sum it all up like this: two trips to Asheville, a trip to Charlotte, eight full weeks of student teaching with one holiday (plus two sick days, but we’re not counting those), weekends full of working at Bath and Body Works and cooking for the week ahead, weeknights full of babysitting, four mandatory seminars, processing the death of my grandfather and ALL that encompasses, afternoons full of telling myself to go run but IT’S JUST SO COLD OUTSIDE AND WE DIDN’T EVEN GET SNOW, and nights lying in the bed wondering where God’s going to take me next on this journey.
I graduate in exactly 67 days (not that anyone’s counting or anything like that), and other than two trips in May that are planned already, I’m not sure what my life is going to look like after May 8th. THAT SCARES ME TO DEATH.
Those of you who know me well know that I am a planner through and through. It’s in my nature to plan, to figure out the details of things, and to like to just generally know what’s going on next. I’m good with details. There’s something I’m absolutely confident I’m good at, and it’s planning. Except for when I’m having to trust God with the plans.
Deep down, I know. I know He’s got me. I know that He’s going to provide in His time, His way. He always has. He always will. But, there’s this part of me, this part of me that Satan knows all too well when he whispers thoughts of doubt that cause me to question God. In all of my 23 years of life, I’ve never not known what’s going to happen after the end of a school year. I’ve never not known how my summer is going to look–even after the one where I broke my ankle.
I have to remind myself daily, sometimes hourly and minutely, that He’s got this. I think of all the unknowns in my life and how He’s made something beautiful out of them. Camp? Wow. I could talk for days about how He made beauty from ashes there. Australia? Again. Such a reminder for me of His faithfulness in my life. My birth family? All the answers aren’t there yet, but He has been so sovereign, and I know He will continue to do so.
So, why do I continue to doubt His goodness and faithfulness when it comes to a job for the fall? Because I’m human, I guess. I’m not sure. But, what I am sure of, is even in this messy, BUSY season, He knows it all. He hasn’t forsaken me once, and He never will. That’s the hope I’m going to cling to for the next 67 days PLUS the rest of my life.