John 8:32 “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
If you know me pretty well or even just a little bit, you know that I’m adopted. You would also know that I have a relationship with my birth dad (BD) and his family. I was in his wedding just a few weeks ago. But, my relationship with my birth mom (BM) is a little more complicated and different. Like, I don’t have a relationship with her at all. But, I do have a relationship with her parents, and they’ve been a huge part of my life all my life.
I found out when I was fifteen that they were my biological grandparents. That’s a post for another day. But, after freaking out, being a brat, and staying really mad at them for a year, I finally embraced the truth that they were who they were. This was around the same time that I wanted to find my BD, so I started asking them questions about the whole thing. I wanted to know stuff. I wanted to know why she chose to give me up, how everything went down, and all the details. I wanted to know my aunts and uncles and cousins on her side, the same with my BD. This was my family, and I felt like I had the right to at least know who they were.
My grandparents gave me as much information as they felt like they could while still protecting my BM and me. It’s a messed up, sticky situation that at times I absolutely hate. More than once my mom has said to me, “these are the consequences of sin. this is what will happen if you don’t obey God.” It’s so true, and I’m thankful that I’m able to see the good in the situation.
The other day I was on facebook, and I clicked on one of my friend’s page. I was seeing her updates and pictures and such, and I saw a friend of hers that I know of. I clicked on his page (you can’t judge me because you do it too). I saw these pictures he was tagged in, and I just started looking at them. I was looking at this one picture, and I saw this guy who looked really familiar. I found the name that corresponded with his tag, and I clicked on it. Then I realized who he is. He’s my BM’s nephew. My cousin. My flesh and blood. My DNA. My family.
And what did I do (besides facebook stalk him a little bit)? Absolutely nothing. There’s nothing I really can do. I can’t message him, because he may or may not know about me. He’s the only one who might know about me because he’s older than me. He was four when I was born. My other two cousins on my BM’s side were born after me. I mean, I could message him or his sister (who I found through my BM’s page), but that would cause a lot of drama between my whole family.
My BM doesn’t really want to talk to me right now. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails, and let’s just say it wasn’t near as pretty as it was with my BD. There was nothing pretty about it at all. I sort of understand how she doesn’t want to talk to me. I get that it’s got to be hard. And I think it would be a lot different if my grandparents hadn’t been apart of my life. But, there is one verse that keeps coming back to me in all of this, and it’s John 8:32, which is at the top of this post. “The truth will set you free.” I really feel like everyone on my BM’s side of the family needs to know the truth. My three cousins need to know that there is another cousin out there. My aunts and uncles who never had the chance to meet me might want to. My grandparents need to be able to say, “We have four grandchildren. Three girls and one boy.” But they can’t. And it kills me.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what God has in store for me with this part of my adoption. People tell me that I should write a book about it all. But I know I can’t right now. I wouldn’t know the ending. And this is a huge reason why I don’t know the ending.